Marriage, in Islam, is described as a source of sakeenah (tranquility, mercy, affection). But what happens when the tranquility fades, and you’re left with a home that’s quiet but no longer peaceful, a spouse who is present but emotionally distant, and a heart that aches with a longing it can’t fully explain?
This emotional restlessness is a reality many experience, especially in long-term marriages. The spark is nowhere to be found, and deep conversations are replaced with “hmm” and “Did you pay the school fees?” Life seems monotonous and routine.
Sometimes, the pain doesn’t come from anything dramatic like betrayal or abuse, but from years of miscommunication, emotional neglect, and the slow erosion of connection.
In the Quran, Allah tells us that He created spouses so we may find sakeenah in them (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21). But sakeenah isn’t promised, it’s cultivated. It requires attention, mercy, humility, and above all, emotional maturity.
Unfortunately, many of us enter marriage with little guidance on what to do or expect after the honeymoon ends, when life becomes ordinary, and emotional wounds begin to surface.
The nafs plays a central role here. A restless nafs thrives in silence, resentment, and unmet expectations. It turns small slights into heavy hurts. It seeks validation in subtle ways, and when it doesn’t find it, it begins to question everything: your spouse, your choices, even your worth.
Islam doesn’t ignore the emotional dimensions of marriage. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was deeply emotionally present in his relationships. He listened, reassured, joked, and comforted. He never dismissed emotion as weakness. And he taught us that the best of us are those who are best to their families.
Yet, somewhere along the way, we reduced marriage to roles and duties. We checked the boxes — food cooked, bills paid — but forgot the heart. We didn’t learn how to stop, pause, and check on the nafs. And we all react differently to a restless nafs.
Emotional restlessness is not a sign that your marriage is doomed. It means your heart is begging for change. Your soul is tired of performing. Your nafs is flaring. Is this it? This is all there is? What about me? Is this the life I wanted?
It’s easy to believe things will only get better if your spouse changes or if you leave. But real change doesn’t start with your spouse. It starts inside you. By tending to the nafs, by turning to Allah. It requires you to take responsibility for your inner state, while gently inviting your partner into emotional closeness again. Marriage is not meant to be constant bliss. It is meant to be a space of growth. A space where we struggle with our nafs, side by side, and return to each other, and to Allah, over and over again.